Hello all!
Sorry it's been awhile since I've updated. To make things simple for me, I am going to update you by pasting an email I sent to someone not too long ago :)
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So, i just wanted to give you some praise reports :)
I know last time we talked on the phone (or it seems like every time we talk on the phone ^^) I was emotional and crying, but in hindsight I have to say, i think that was one of the most prominent fights I've ever had with my mom. What came after was very eye opening and humbling and I can say confidently that God was at work. Although after talking to sunny, i found out what triggered my mom's explosion, but even now my mom says she was stupid to have acted the way she did. :/ In any case I believe all this was necessary for both my mother and I and it's almost as if all this had to happen in order for my heart to be soft enough to respond to what God had to reveal to me.
I remembered from what you said to me in our phone conversation that you said I shouldn't feel like I had to pressure myself to upgrade my time with God and my relationship with Him, but I think you may have misunderstood that I was not pressuring myself nor was I forcing it. I have to admit though, there was to some sense a type of "pushing" myself, but it was all because my heart knew that this is what God wanted from me, and because I know it would be pleasing to Him, I was in the process of dying to myself and pursuing something that is right. So I continued to have that time with God and this week I have been blown away~! ^^
This entire week I have been repeatedly overwhelmed by God's love for me. I had been encouraged by a Pastor from the Image Church to get to know God through reading the OT and to get to know Jesus as a man in the NT. So I started with Matthews and just by reading the first few chapters I found myself tearing up. I felt so depressed reading what Jesus had to go through while he was on earth. The rejection, persecution, criticism, persecution way before crucifixion, and the heartbreak he went through just by living his calling. I felt so connected with Christ in how I felt when people judged me by the spiritual gifts God has bestowed upon me. I can think of one person in my life from the past to present who have treated me the same way some people had treated Jesus in His time. This is not to say, though, that I measure up to Christ in ANY WAY, that's impossible and I am not holy or worthy enough, but it just showed me how intimate of a Father and brother Jesus is. He sssooooooooo knows me and the troubles that go on in my heart and there is no man on earth who can even fathom the deepest concerns, fears, or worries I have deep in my heart. He is also the ONLY one who can reach them. I am in complete awe at the workings of the trinity. Right now I am focused on Jesus reading through the gospels, but as I move my way through I know I will equally, maybe even more, be blessed and renewed at the workings of the Holy Spirit :)
I have also found our wonderful creator to be a very heroic and romantic God ^^. When I read through matthews I became literally depressed and cried out to God with apologies and sympathy pouring out of my lips. Does he need it? I don't know, but that's all my heart wanted to cry out to him as I prayed. I told God too, at the end of my prayers that i was so despondent that I didn't even want to get out of my bed or go to work! >.< Yes, I know I'm a very emotional person...I like to call it passion though haha ^^ I think at this point I could understand why people in the bible ripped their clothes or wore ...what was it? sackcloth right? (man i just read it last night in Esther when Mordecai was distressed..)
During this time Jesus has also taken my hand as His bride and eased me into fully embracing my calling as His daughter in Christ. I no longer fear or hold any grudge against God that I experience the things I do spiritually and supernaturally. This week, I have had numerous dreams and heard Christ in many ways in my heart that were revealing warnings, promises, and encouragements. These dreams have somehow come into play in my days, and I know this is nothing new really seeing that i have mentioned to you these sorts of occurrences many times before ^^. What was so unsettling for me in the past was that I couldn't understand the reason behind why God chose me to live with the gifts He has so graciously placed in me, and I couldn't figure out any of the components to be able to conduct any kind of equation that made all this make sense. So I stopped and surrendered and just reflected on how this all works. I couldn't live with not knowing the answers behind the mysteries behind how spiritual gifting work let alone mine specifically, but in reflection of His good word I have found that Jesus likes to keep secrets or things to himself. I think so many things will remain a mystery with God sometimes especially because as humans, we cannot ever fathom the workings of the omnipotent and omniscient God. I have humbled myself and am ok with all the mysteries behind the gifts God has entrusted onto me. I wondered this week, too, actually just last night as I read about Adam in Wild at Heart if this is what Adam must have felt when God bestowed the entire creation for Him to deal with. God believed in him. I believe that God believes in me too. So whenever I am faced with distress or even fight with my mom again, I have a mast to hold onto in the storm that represents God's confidence in me, His creation. Adam failed, though, but God still loved Him and continued to work in Him.
This reminded me of when I was in 8th grade. I was in Mr. Samuth's material science class and each week we were given a project to build that would perform a certain task; one that would withstand a certain force of wind, one that would survive tremors, or something that would run for exactly a minute. Being all handy, I enjoyed this class very much and I succeeded every project that I was getting a 118% (mr. samuth proudly showed me my grade after every month xp...yea..i was a teacher's pet ^^). There was one project, though that I had a really hard time with and that was the one where I had to make something that would run for precisely one minute. I put so much thought and planning into my creation that when it failed I was so disappointed at my own abilities. The flawed inventor created a flawed device. Eventually I had to give up on it and resort to plan B, and more simple and manageable design, but I was sad that I had to abandon my first idea since I had hope in that my invention would "wow" the crowd. So when it comes to me as a creation and God my inventor, I may fail, but God the perfect God, always has something up his sleeve to upgrade me, therefore I put my trust and faith in Him :)
I realized too, that if I had somehow figured out the equations to the spiritual workings in me, the dreams, gut feelings, prophecies, visions, voice, etc...then what I would end up doing is creating a ritual. For example if someone were to come to me and say "pray for me, what does God say?" and no mystery held me behind, somehow these gifts would become my own and invoke some form of personal glory. That, i know is wrong, cultish, and unbiblical. For a long time I felt like I had to satisfy even other people's bewilderment by giving them some kind of answers or even have to prove myself to them that I'm a legitimate Christian, but it looks like even jesus himself had gone through something similar. This leads me to hold onto my heavenly tighter and make man smaller in my eyes (and this includes me ^^).
So I am confident in my place, and I am peaceful, VERY peaceful when it comes to God and myself. He is leading me to the right places to the right people and I couldn't be any more content. I still walk around with some worries, concerns, and unresolved factors, but they have all become small and tamed as the presence of my bridegroom is acting as my rescuer ^^. cheezy? yes, i know...haha but i eat it all~~ up! ^^
Things with my mommy is ...well the storm has calmed now, but I do believe that by God's timing the fights will desist eventually, but I have realized that it's not up to me when I get off this roller coaster. At least for now that is...haha. So I pray for encouraging company and uplifting surroundings for whenever an explosion might happen. ^^
Sorry this got really long! >.<
thanks for reading through and God bless!
-Mizie So
