Impressions

Forgive me for the long allotted time that have past since my last entry. ^^

The past two weeks have been so incredibly rough that it drained me to the point of exhaustion. For one week, the only time i wasn't sleeping was when I had to be at work....

So, my sundays..the church hopping...admittedly, I didn't make it to church either weeks. The youth banquet a few saturdays ago totally wiped me out that I literally slept all through Sunday. The banquet, I have to say though, was the most successful banquet I have seen since the first one. The food turned out excellent (ah~ of course haha) and the cupcake bar was a success! For those of you who are curious, the menu:
Garlic Rice Pilaf
BBQ chicken skewers with my recipe of sauce
Seafood Ettouffee with chicken (think country gravy, but creamier with shrimp and crab meat) :)
Catalina Salad with a spicy kick.

I enjoyed so much of my time in the kitchen, it almost saddens me that this was my last banquet. I hope I get to cook for large groups again in the future.

Although I did not make it to church, God has found many ways to work into my heart both Sundays. The first Sunday I missed church I woke up and was suddenly hit with a memory from when I was four years old. I had no idea that at the time how much of an impression this "incident" was going to leave on me throughout my life.

When I was born, my parents decided to practice an old Korean tradition where the parents let the daughter's hair grow. My hair flowed down to my knees and it was like a black canvas as each strand hung evenly down my back. Every morning I would wake up and my mom would comb my hair after washing it and this whole process took at least half and hour. I had no say in what style my hair would be for the day, and all I could do was sit silently and wait until my mom was done.
One day, my mom bought little plastic hairbands from K-Mart and I vividly remember each color and patter. There was a pastel blue with fireflies imprinted on the band, some even taking its own plastic shape. My second favorite was the purple hairband with little butterflies that sat across the top brim. The pink one though, with sunflowers of different sizes spread across the hair band, was my most favorite of all. When my mom purchased these hair ornaments, it was her way of letting me take control over my hair. For some reason, I was elated, but at that age I had no idea that the sensation I was feeling was liberty. It was the first time I was given independence over my hair. As I tried on different hair bands to register how my hair looked in each color one morning, my mom came in and told me to make myself up as "keungomo" was coming for a visit. "Keungomo" is the oldest aunt on my dad's side of the family. She is senior to 9 other siblings and also the wealthiest.
I was so excited to show off my new hair accessories to my aunt, so I put on my best dress, combed my hair, and carefully placed my favorite pink band on my hair. When I felt presentable enough for Keungomo, I walked outside beaming with hope that she would find me pretty. After a deep bow and a loud greeting, I looked up to my aunt and she motioned her hand for me to come closer. She held my face in her palm and complimented me. I smiled. Her warm hand caressed my baby cheeks and then suddenly it moved up into my hair. She grabbed the headband out of my hair and said, "oh, this looks new." I was so happy that she liked my new hair piece, but then her hands started coming at me with the opposite end of the head band. I was confused and watched the sunflowers coming nearer above my eyes and then my aunt snapped the headband in two. The break scraped my forehead and two lines of crimson started to slowly seep through my pale skin. My eyes weld up and poured out tears. I had never been so confused in my life. Moreover, my mom stood by and just watched. She didn't say anything. I ran to my room holding the two pieces that once wreathed a pretty pattern of sunflowers and cried. My mom later came to me and watched me. I wanted a hug, but my sobbing didn't allow me to make the request. I looked up my mom and she looked hurt and angry. I don't know what was going through her mind at the time, but I clearly remember her telling me that I had to be strong. "Life..just doesn't make things easy so we always have to work hard at it and survive through pain. you just have to be strong."
My little four year old heart was so broken and being the helpless child I was, I had no idea how to appease such agonizing pain. In that moment I felt that I was not protected and that no one was around to protect me. Since a mother would be the source of comfort, I ate my mom's words up like it was the cure, the medicine to all my tears. This experience as a four year old replayed in my mind that Sunday morning and I cried. I understood myself better, and that's just what God is doing with me right now. He is helping me know myself, understand my "self" better, and helping me be loved. As a four year old, none of these kind of thoughts would go through your mind, but it definitely leaves an impression on one's discourse (speaking by the archaic definition of the word).
I later learned that my aunt was unable to have children as she was barren and her husband always complimented me and favored me of all the nieces. I believe this was especially so because I was the "splitting image" of that aunt as a youth. All this is what I have been told by other members of the family, so you may conjecture all you want as to what may have led my aunt to such a malicious act, but evidence is clear enough for me to draw my conclusions.

When God said He wanted to be deep, He really wasn't kidding. haha. This episode of my life had created a habit in me that I always have to work. I don't allow myself downtime or else I would have to face up to what's hurting my heart. What my mom said to me also made me feel that I cannot be open about my wounds or else people would think I'm weak. I do not allow myself to be vulnerable or perhaps more so that I do not know how to be.

My prayers now is asking God to move the right people's hearts to pursue me and my friendship rather than myself always throwing myself out there. I believe this had made me not real to myself as I "adjusted" to people to win over their friendships especially so that they would not attack me. All that did, though, was take me further away from what I am, who I am, and from the path of where God has my absolute potential ready for me to meet and be. In order for transformation I must face up to what I am now and understand it so that I can let it go; surrender it to the only being in the world who can make good of it.

Isolation may seem like a bad thing, and I realize it may not be fair to my friends (especially the ones who are trying to call me or contact me), but in all honesty, I'm hurt and I have no idea how to "be hurt" publicly. This is especially true since I was a church leader and so many have looked to me for guidance, love, wisdom, affection, and fellowship. I feel so terrible to the young youth who want to meet up with me to talk, but I am in such a shattered state that I don't know what I can do for them. It's like, I should be a mentor figure, someone to look up to, or something, but in all honesty, I need to be poured into rather than pour out. I don't want to burden anyone either with my problems, especially when I fear that the response I get from people I trusted (such as friends or family) is something along the lines of "you have to be strong", "this isn't you", "he/she was a jerk/biznatch-they're not worth your trouble", "you're a survivor", etc. etc. worst of all I don't want to hear is, "other people in the world are going through something much more worse than what you're going through; suck it up." or "everyone has issues". I just want to be like "NO SH*T SHERLOCK. but these are MY issues and I need to heal from them." I hope and pray for company that comes with a Christ-like heart: "yes, there are many in the world that suffer, but YOUR pain still stands out to me."

I am determined to do the same for those I care about and God's sheep, but when I think about it, perhaps God has already planted that in my heart as I have a deep, almost crippling, compassion for His creations.

In any case, that is my reflections and update for now. Tomorrow I venture out to Lynnwood to Image Church. :) Next in line (prayerfully of course)

Jesus Culture- CA
Tim Keller's Redeemer Presbyterian- NY
Solid Rock Church-OR
annddd that one church we go to for Mission Tour every summer in Vancouver. haha xp

BTW: update on my grandfather and going to Korea.
We had gathered enough funds to send my mom, but she's insistent on the three of us going. I think God put it on her heart as she prayed about it, so please pray for us that ..i guess for everything to be ok or manageable until next year april!