Hmmmm
So last week I went to one of Mars Hill's main campus church in Ballard with Chris and Chate.
It was very different from the rest of the churches I had been visiting, but all the same I adjusted well :)
My reflections and what God taught me while I was at this church:
-It doesn't hurt to keep up with technology. Christians are competing against the world, so we gotta keep up! Christians are to love the world, so we gotta watch them develop and "follow" to learn about them as well.
I think that goes with all relationships: Grow together and you never stop learning about your significant other as change is a constant, so people will evolve :)
-Their leadership is crazzzziiiieeee unified. When you talk to one person or ask them a question, they all have the same answer! That's awesome. I mean the leadership wasn't set up in an autocratic way, so each answer had an individualistic spice to it ;), and you can really tell that the leadership knew each other very well and very initimate.
-After service, Pastor Mark Driscoll was waiting outside but he was so scarey to approach! >.< I did the hesitant "should i go talk to him now? later? is it ok?" tango back and forth, people prolly thought I had to go to the bathroom xp.
-I LOVE THAT THEY LET YOU DRINK COFFEEE DURING SERRVVIIICCEEEE!!!! :D
-Distractions: There was too much freedom. People walking about doing whatever they wanted. The cameras were a bit distracting too, but it was ok :)
-The worship: You can tell they take worship VERY SERIOUSLY. The worship leader was literally a one man band..one minute he's strumming the guitar and then you take a moment to close your eyes to be in tune with the Lord..then you open your eyes and see that his guitar is on the stand and now the worship leader is holding a tambourine..
Admittedly, I was naughty girl this Sunday. I knew the message Mark Driscoll shared was going to be broad casted online so..I didn't try as hard as I should have to stay awake xp.
Anywho. That was my last Sunday experience. This Sunday, I may be going to Mars Hill at a sister location to see what that's like OR I shall mosey on over to IHOP.
Man, I am learning SO MUCH.
blessings! :D
So, God has put it on my heart that it's time to stop shutting myself away. The time was def. necessary, but man, now i'm scared. haha The only people I've been seeing were pretty much coworkers, students, mom, and...haha the occasional meet ups with people who give me a call~
I dunno if i'm ready yet, as I still feel somewhat of a wreck..and kinda alone in this..maybe I am and God needs just that from me..but *sigh* here I go~
Lately, I've been doing better with strangers than close people it's kinda weird..but I needed to learn this esp. when I have an evangelistic heart; everyone should know about Jesus and His love. EVERYONE.
Whoops. sorry to cut this one short, but it's time to meet with my mentors!
ciao~!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Sara Bareilles -Gravity
SARA BAREILLES LYRICS <3
"Gravity"
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
[CHORUS]
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
"Gravity"
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
[CHORUS]
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Magnified with purpose
Last Sunday (3.8.2010), I attended Image Church (19417 36th Ave W Lynnwood, WA 98036) on a Sunday for the first time. I've gone to their Thursday service once before in December, and just as much I have been blessed and awed at the presence of God in this place.
What I found delightful is how this church was planted only two years ago and yet it is already so solid and established. They branched off their main church in Spokane (if i recall correctly) and started this church with a different vision; a vision in which our church planting group has also been compelled by from God.
The moment I walked in and the praise started I was SSSSOOOOO moved, almost even slain by the spirit. This group of Christians were so loving and community based, it was so refreshing to see. The imageChurch is definitely led by the holy spirit in sync with the most valuable book ever written.
____________________________
New entry (3.18.10)
Sorry it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I've been really busy >.<
So, I've read through my past entries and have found it pretty depressing xp.
It may also seem unlike me to "mope" about the past issues I wrote about, although there are many more that I keep to myself between God and me ;), but I wanted to assure you all that it's with a purpose.
Sometimes we brush off things that happen in our lives or things we realize about ourselves, therefore diluting the real issues that God wants us to see clearly. Our issues, problems, fears, worries, sorrows, angers, bitterness, hurts, addictions, tendencies, insufficiencies...The world tells us, that to focus on these things is to be weak and weakness is something always frowned upon.
It is in our weakness though, that Jesus preaches, teaches, saves, heals, and graciously loves. Learning the TRUTH about "me" is liberating only with Christ and then from there we are lead to glory. So learn the cutting truth about your "me" and lift it to God; He has plans for you.
Whenever I get home from work, I like to spend a few hours to myself reading, eating, and most of all...watching movies or tv for pure entertainment. One show I have come to appreciate is South Park. I don't promote the way they bash on political issues as their episodes are all pretty much propaganda, but there is always a lot of material they use in their story lines and script that I can use :).
Today, I pluck their idea of the image of Jesus Christ: skinny, all about world peace, loving (although South Park puts it in a sarcastic manner), limp, and weak. The world definitely sees being a Christian as weak. But in this current season of suffering and hopelessness, I have found that being a Christian requires strength, wit, patience, guts, courage, and endurance. however, all this does not come through the ability of man as the world and satan so makes us believe. At a Dare2Share conference I went to 3 years back, I remember the pastor talking about the way the world perceives Jesus. The animation of Jesus on South Park pretty much sums it up, but the pastor shed a new light that in his opinion Jesus was quite the contrary. Back in the day, when Jesus physically walked this earth, his occupation was carpentry. Have you seen carpenters? I don't know about carpenters of today, but carpenters back in the day were much like black smiths: Big, burley, strong, muscular, and pretty much BUFF. He had to carry trees for his entire life (which makes me wonder..to carry that cross to calvary isn't an easy task, and Jesus, having dragged around tree trunks and wooden boards his whole life built in him the stamina to carry it as far as he did) haha. Jesus was quite the man, the pastor described. I don't know how much truth there is to Jesus' physique, but the point I'm trying to make is, as a Christian, weakness is strength. Kinda like one of those quotes: a real man cries!
Anywho. This journey of mine hasn't been an easy one, but as I lookk back, I have definitely climbed pretty high from where I started.
So currently, I'm a nomad; visiting other churches and not tied down to one place, but having the fellowship of my life with my beloved Bridegroom. I am everyday filled with the holy spirit and led by the soft voice of God to live the days of my life.
It was so necessary to explore what I had hidden away or tried to be stronger than. I grew up telling myself that things would get better, that I am strong and can get over whatever obstacles came my way. I still believe it, but without the focus of "me". It took a leap of faith and definitely courage to jump into the black abyss that every person has in their hearts because we are born into sin, and I had to do it alone. I must, however make a shout out to a dear and loving supporter; Jessica Byrd.
Jessica, I know you'll be one of the first to read this entry and I just want to say thank you and from the bottom of my heart I love you. I know that my road would not have been as narrow as the bible mentions, without your prayers, your corrections, encouragement, and love. I thank God that whenever I was close to stepping out of line and go wayward, you stepped in with your sense of justice and pleaded the case for Christ. You were never on my side, you were on His and that's what I love about you the most. When I think of you, the holy spirit is stirred in me :) Thank you for living your life the righteous way as it inspires me to look up always even if the clouds are stormy. Your life is a spirit shaking testimony not because of miracles, prophesies, or anything of the supernatural, but simply because you live each step of your life prayerfully. GOD BLESS YOU. As we joke: If you were a man, I'd marry you! <3
As I end this entry I want to implore you, my readers, that we MUST KNOW the trinity. Not piece by piece as God the Father (.) *period, Jesus the Son (.) and the Holy Spirit (.) but as ONE: God the Father, He as Jesus the Son of God, and Jesus-our God as the holy spirit. Read the bible. Everything lies within being still, ALWAYS praying, and DAILY reading scripture not to just get something out of it, but simply because God is real. Do these things without the expectancy of God doing anything for you, but because He's our King and we are his soldiers..doing these things are His orders and as his subjects, reading the bible, serving led by the spirit, praying, and worshiping Him is a gesture of ours that we acknowledge His omnipotent authority in our life.
Read the Old Testament to learn our Lord's patterns as God the Father.
Read the New Testament and fall in love with the books of Matthew, Luke, Mark, and John and I'm sure you will as we learn about God's love and grace through these parts of scripture.
Then continue to read on and learn about the Holy Spirit. How does it become potent in our lives?
The world is becoming an uglier place and Christians, real Christians, must rise up. This spiritual warfare is becoming louder and morbid: stealing, loss, deaths, suicides, addictions, rapes, hurting, killing, separating..
Last sunday, God gave me a glimpse of the end times and I broke down. My body shook and my face was hot and tingly..God spoke so clearly to my heart His plans for this world and showed me the world for what it is today. There are Christians out there who truly believe they are saved and that they are Christians, but when Christ comes to "search our hearts" to see if the holy spirit is there, we will be shocked as some we have believed to be genuine Christians turn out not to be. Only the holy spirit can give us that knowledge and discernment, so hold tight of the Trinity.
In any case, as you may be able to tell through my tone of this entry, I am inspired and ..fine :) haha. I am coming out again and opening myself up again to people :) I still remain, however, unattached to any place or any one and continue to roam "like a nomad" as Jessica would put it. :)
See ya'll next time!
What I found delightful is how this church was planted only two years ago and yet it is already so solid and established. They branched off their main church in Spokane (if i recall correctly) and started this church with a different vision; a vision in which our church planting group has also been compelled by from God.
The moment I walked in and the praise started I was SSSSOOOOO moved, almost even slain by the spirit. This group of Christians were so loving and community based, it was so refreshing to see. The imageChurch is definitely led by the holy spirit in sync with the most valuable book ever written.
____________________________
New entry (3.18.10)
Sorry it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I've been really busy >.<
So, I've read through my past entries and have found it pretty depressing xp.
It may also seem unlike me to "mope" about the past issues I wrote about, although there are many more that I keep to myself between God and me ;), but I wanted to assure you all that it's with a purpose.
Sometimes we brush off things that happen in our lives or things we realize about ourselves, therefore diluting the real issues that God wants us to see clearly. Our issues, problems, fears, worries, sorrows, angers, bitterness, hurts, addictions, tendencies, insufficiencies...The world tells us, that to focus on these things is to be weak and weakness is something always frowned upon.
It is in our weakness though, that Jesus preaches, teaches, saves, heals, and graciously loves. Learning the TRUTH about "me" is liberating only with Christ and then from there we are lead to glory. So learn the cutting truth about your "me" and lift it to God; He has plans for you.
Whenever I get home from work, I like to spend a few hours to myself reading, eating, and most of all...watching movies or tv for pure entertainment. One show I have come to appreciate is South Park. I don't promote the way they bash on political issues as their episodes are all pretty much propaganda, but there is always a lot of material they use in their story lines and script that I can use :).
Today, I pluck their idea of the image of Jesus Christ: skinny, all about world peace, loving (although South Park puts it in a sarcastic manner), limp, and weak. The world definitely sees being a Christian as weak. But in this current season of suffering and hopelessness, I have found that being a Christian requires strength, wit, patience, guts, courage, and endurance. however, all this does not come through the ability of man as the world and satan so makes us believe. At a Dare2Share conference I went to 3 years back, I remember the pastor talking about the way the world perceives Jesus. The animation of Jesus on South Park pretty much sums it up, but the pastor shed a new light that in his opinion Jesus was quite the contrary. Back in the day, when Jesus physically walked this earth, his occupation was carpentry. Have you seen carpenters? I don't know about carpenters of today, but carpenters back in the day were much like black smiths: Big, burley, strong, muscular, and pretty much BUFF. He had to carry trees for his entire life (which makes me wonder..to carry that cross to calvary isn't an easy task, and Jesus, having dragged around tree trunks and wooden boards his whole life built in him the stamina to carry it as far as he did) haha. Jesus was quite the man, the pastor described. I don't know how much truth there is to Jesus' physique, but the point I'm trying to make is, as a Christian, weakness is strength. Kinda like one of those quotes: a real man cries!
Anywho. This journey of mine hasn't been an easy one, but as I lookk back, I have definitely climbed pretty high from where I started.
So currently, I'm a nomad; visiting other churches and not tied down to one place, but having the fellowship of my life with my beloved Bridegroom. I am everyday filled with the holy spirit and led by the soft voice of God to live the days of my life.
It was so necessary to explore what I had hidden away or tried to be stronger than. I grew up telling myself that things would get better, that I am strong and can get over whatever obstacles came my way. I still believe it, but without the focus of "me". It took a leap of faith and definitely courage to jump into the black abyss that every person has in their hearts because we are born into sin, and I had to do it alone. I must, however make a shout out to a dear and loving supporter; Jessica Byrd.
Jessica, I know you'll be one of the first to read this entry and I just want to say thank you and from the bottom of my heart I love you. I know that my road would not have been as narrow as the bible mentions, without your prayers, your corrections, encouragement, and love. I thank God that whenever I was close to stepping out of line and go wayward, you stepped in with your sense of justice and pleaded the case for Christ. You were never on my side, you were on His and that's what I love about you the most. When I think of you, the holy spirit is stirred in me :) Thank you for living your life the righteous way as it inspires me to look up always even if the clouds are stormy. Your life is a spirit shaking testimony not because of miracles, prophesies, or anything of the supernatural, but simply because you live each step of your life prayerfully. GOD BLESS YOU. As we joke: If you were a man, I'd marry you! <3
As I end this entry I want to implore you, my readers, that we MUST KNOW the trinity. Not piece by piece as God the Father (.) *period, Jesus the Son (.) and the Holy Spirit (.) but as ONE: God the Father, He as Jesus the Son of God, and Jesus-our God as the holy spirit. Read the bible. Everything lies within being still, ALWAYS praying, and DAILY reading scripture not to just get something out of it, but simply because God is real. Do these things without the expectancy of God doing anything for you, but because He's our King and we are his soldiers..doing these things are His orders and as his subjects, reading the bible, serving led by the spirit, praying, and worshiping Him is a gesture of ours that we acknowledge His omnipotent authority in our life.
Read the Old Testament to learn our Lord's patterns as God the Father.
Read the New Testament and fall in love with the books of Matthew, Luke, Mark, and John and I'm sure you will as we learn about God's love and grace through these parts of scripture.
Then continue to read on and learn about the Holy Spirit. How does it become potent in our lives?
The world is becoming an uglier place and Christians, real Christians, must rise up. This spiritual warfare is becoming louder and morbid: stealing, loss, deaths, suicides, addictions, rapes, hurting, killing, separating..
Last sunday, God gave me a glimpse of the end times and I broke down. My body shook and my face was hot and tingly..God spoke so clearly to my heart His plans for this world and showed me the world for what it is today. There are Christians out there who truly believe they are saved and that they are Christians, but when Christ comes to "search our hearts" to see if the holy spirit is there, we will be shocked as some we have believed to be genuine Christians turn out not to be. Only the holy spirit can give us that knowledge and discernment, so hold tight of the Trinity.
In any case, as you may be able to tell through my tone of this entry, I am inspired and ..fine :) haha. I am coming out again and opening myself up again to people :) I still remain, however, unattached to any place or any one and continue to roam "like a nomad" as Jessica would put it. :)
See ya'll next time!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Impressions
Forgive me for the long allotted time that have past since my last entry. ^^
The past two weeks have been so incredibly rough that it drained me to the point of exhaustion. For one week, the only time i wasn't sleeping was when I had to be at work....
So, my sundays..the church hopping...admittedly, I didn't make it to church either weeks. The youth banquet a few saturdays ago totally wiped me out that I literally slept all through Sunday. The banquet, I have to say though, was the most successful banquet I have seen since the first one. The food turned out excellent (ah~ of course haha) and the cupcake bar was a success! For those of you who are curious, the menu:
Garlic Rice Pilaf
BBQ chicken skewers with my recipe of sauce
Seafood Ettouffee with chicken (think country gravy, but creamier with shrimp and crab meat) :)
Catalina Salad with a spicy kick.
I enjoyed so much of my time in the kitchen, it almost saddens me that this was my last banquet. I hope I get to cook for large groups again in the future.
Although I did not make it to church, God has found many ways to work into my heart both Sundays. The first Sunday I missed church I woke up and was suddenly hit with a memory from when I was four years old. I had no idea that at the time how much of an impression this "incident" was going to leave on me throughout my life.
When I was born, my parents decided to practice an old Korean tradition where the parents let the daughter's hair grow. My hair flowed down to my knees and it was like a black canvas as each strand hung evenly down my back. Every morning I would wake up and my mom would comb my hair after washing it and this whole process took at least half and hour. I had no say in what style my hair would be for the day, and all I could do was sit silently and wait until my mom was done.
One day, my mom bought little plastic hairbands from K-Mart and I vividly remember each color and patter. There was a pastel blue with fireflies imprinted on the band, some even taking its own plastic shape. My second favorite was the purple hairband with little butterflies that sat across the top brim. The pink one though, with sunflowers of different sizes spread across the hair band, was my most favorite of all. When my mom purchased these hair ornaments, it was her way of letting me take control over my hair. For some reason, I was elated, but at that age I had no idea that the sensation I was feeling was liberty. It was the first time I was given independence over my hair. As I tried on different hair bands to register how my hair looked in each color one morning, my mom came in and told me to make myself up as "keungomo" was coming for a visit. "Keungomo" is the oldest aunt on my dad's side of the family. She is senior to 9 other siblings and also the wealthiest.
I was so excited to show off my new hair accessories to my aunt, so I put on my best dress, combed my hair, and carefully placed my favorite pink band on my hair. When I felt presentable enough for Keungomo, I walked outside beaming with hope that she would find me pretty. After a deep bow and a loud greeting, I looked up to my aunt and she motioned her hand for me to come closer. She held my face in her palm and complimented me. I smiled. Her warm hand caressed my baby cheeks and then suddenly it moved up into my hair. She grabbed the headband out of my hair and said, "oh, this looks new." I was so happy that she liked my new hair piece, but then her hands started coming at me with the opposite end of the head band. I was confused and watched the sunflowers coming nearer above my eyes and then my aunt snapped the headband in two. The break scraped my forehead and two lines of crimson started to slowly seep through my pale skin. My eyes weld up and poured out tears. I had never been so confused in my life. Moreover, my mom stood by and just watched. She didn't say anything. I ran to my room holding the two pieces that once wreathed a pretty pattern of sunflowers and cried. My mom later came to me and watched me. I wanted a hug, but my sobbing didn't allow me to make the request. I looked up my mom and she looked hurt and angry. I don't know what was going through her mind at the time, but I clearly remember her telling me that I had to be strong. "Life..just doesn't make things easy so we always have to work hard at it and survive through pain. you just have to be strong."
My little four year old heart was so broken and being the helpless child I was, I had no idea how to appease such agonizing pain. In that moment I felt that I was not protected and that no one was around to protect me. Since a mother would be the source of comfort, I ate my mom's words up like it was the cure, the medicine to all my tears. This experience as a four year old replayed in my mind that Sunday morning and I cried. I understood myself better, and that's just what God is doing with me right now. He is helping me know myself, understand my "self" better, and helping me be loved. As a four year old, none of these kind of thoughts would go through your mind, but it definitely leaves an impression on one's discourse (speaking by the archaic definition of the word).
I later learned that my aunt was unable to have children as she was barren and her husband always complimented me and favored me of all the nieces. I believe this was especially so because I was the "splitting image" of that aunt as a youth. All this is what I have been told by other members of the family, so you may conjecture all you want as to what may have led my aunt to such a malicious act, but evidence is clear enough for me to draw my conclusions.
When God said He wanted to be deep, He really wasn't kidding. haha. This episode of my life had created a habit in me that I always have to work. I don't allow myself downtime or else I would have to face up to what's hurting my heart. What my mom said to me also made me feel that I cannot be open about my wounds or else people would think I'm weak. I do not allow myself to be vulnerable or perhaps more so that I do not know how to be.
My prayers now is asking God to move the right people's hearts to pursue me and my friendship rather than myself always throwing myself out there. I believe this had made me not real to myself as I "adjusted" to people to win over their friendships especially so that they would not attack me. All that did, though, was take me further away from what I am, who I am, and from the path of where God has my absolute potential ready for me to meet and be. In order for transformation I must face up to what I am now and understand it so that I can let it go; surrender it to the only being in the world who can make good of it.
Isolation may seem like a bad thing, and I realize it may not be fair to my friends (especially the ones who are trying to call me or contact me), but in all honesty, I'm hurt and I have no idea how to "be hurt" publicly. This is especially true since I was a church leader and so many have looked to me for guidance, love, wisdom, affection, and fellowship. I feel so terrible to the young youth who want to meet up with me to talk, but I am in such a shattered state that I don't know what I can do for them. It's like, I should be a mentor figure, someone to look up to, or something, but in all honesty, I need to be poured into rather than pour out. I don't want to burden anyone either with my problems, especially when I fear that the response I get from people I trusted (such as friends or family) is something along the lines of "you have to be strong", "this isn't you", "he/she was a jerk/biznatch-they're not worth your trouble", "you're a survivor", etc. etc. worst of all I don't want to hear is, "other people in the world are going through something much more worse than what you're going through; suck it up." or "everyone has issues". I just want to be like "NO SH*T SHERLOCK. but these are MY issues and I need to heal from them." I hope and pray for company that comes with a Christ-like heart: "yes, there are many in the world that suffer, but YOUR pain still stands out to me."
I am determined to do the same for those I care about and God's sheep, but when I think about it, perhaps God has already planted that in my heart as I have a deep, almost crippling, compassion for His creations.
In any case, that is my reflections and update for now. Tomorrow I venture out to Lynnwood to Image Church. :) Next in line (prayerfully of course)
Jesus Culture- CA
Tim Keller's Redeemer Presbyterian- NY
Solid Rock Church-OR
annddd that one church we go to for Mission Tour every summer in Vancouver. haha xp
BTW: update on my grandfather and going to Korea.
We had gathered enough funds to send my mom, but she's insistent on the three of us going. I think God put it on her heart as she prayed about it, so please pray for us that ..i guess for everything to be ok or manageable until next year april!
The past two weeks have been so incredibly rough that it drained me to the point of exhaustion. For one week, the only time i wasn't sleeping was when I had to be at work....
So, my sundays..the church hopping...admittedly, I didn't make it to church either weeks. The youth banquet a few saturdays ago totally wiped me out that I literally slept all through Sunday. The banquet, I have to say though, was the most successful banquet I have seen since the first one. The food turned out excellent (ah~ of course haha) and the cupcake bar was a success! For those of you who are curious, the menu:
Garlic Rice Pilaf
BBQ chicken skewers with my recipe of sauce
Seafood Ettouffee with chicken (think country gravy, but creamier with shrimp and crab meat) :)
Catalina Salad with a spicy kick.
I enjoyed so much of my time in the kitchen, it almost saddens me that this was my last banquet. I hope I get to cook for large groups again in the future.
Although I did not make it to church, God has found many ways to work into my heart both Sundays. The first Sunday I missed church I woke up and was suddenly hit with a memory from when I was four years old. I had no idea that at the time how much of an impression this "incident" was going to leave on me throughout my life.
When I was born, my parents decided to practice an old Korean tradition where the parents let the daughter's hair grow. My hair flowed down to my knees and it was like a black canvas as each strand hung evenly down my back. Every morning I would wake up and my mom would comb my hair after washing it and this whole process took at least half and hour. I had no say in what style my hair would be for the day, and all I could do was sit silently and wait until my mom was done.
One day, my mom bought little plastic hairbands from K-Mart and I vividly remember each color and patter. There was a pastel blue with fireflies imprinted on the band, some even taking its own plastic shape. My second favorite was the purple hairband with little butterflies that sat across the top brim. The pink one though, with sunflowers of different sizes spread across the hair band, was my most favorite of all. When my mom purchased these hair ornaments, it was her way of letting me take control over my hair. For some reason, I was elated, but at that age I had no idea that the sensation I was feeling was liberty. It was the first time I was given independence over my hair. As I tried on different hair bands to register how my hair looked in each color one morning, my mom came in and told me to make myself up as "keungomo" was coming for a visit. "Keungomo" is the oldest aunt on my dad's side of the family. She is senior to 9 other siblings and also the wealthiest.
I was so excited to show off my new hair accessories to my aunt, so I put on my best dress, combed my hair, and carefully placed my favorite pink band on my hair. When I felt presentable enough for Keungomo, I walked outside beaming with hope that she would find me pretty. After a deep bow and a loud greeting, I looked up to my aunt and she motioned her hand for me to come closer. She held my face in her palm and complimented me. I smiled. Her warm hand caressed my baby cheeks and then suddenly it moved up into my hair. She grabbed the headband out of my hair and said, "oh, this looks new." I was so happy that she liked my new hair piece, but then her hands started coming at me with the opposite end of the head band. I was confused and watched the sunflowers coming nearer above my eyes and then my aunt snapped the headband in two. The break scraped my forehead and two lines of crimson started to slowly seep through my pale skin. My eyes weld up and poured out tears. I had never been so confused in my life. Moreover, my mom stood by and just watched. She didn't say anything. I ran to my room holding the two pieces that once wreathed a pretty pattern of sunflowers and cried. My mom later came to me and watched me. I wanted a hug, but my sobbing didn't allow me to make the request. I looked up my mom and she looked hurt and angry. I don't know what was going through her mind at the time, but I clearly remember her telling me that I had to be strong. "Life..just doesn't make things easy so we always have to work hard at it and survive through pain. you just have to be strong."
My little four year old heart was so broken and being the helpless child I was, I had no idea how to appease such agonizing pain. In that moment I felt that I was not protected and that no one was around to protect me. Since a mother would be the source of comfort, I ate my mom's words up like it was the cure, the medicine to all my tears. This experience as a four year old replayed in my mind that Sunday morning and I cried. I understood myself better, and that's just what God is doing with me right now. He is helping me know myself, understand my "self" better, and helping me be loved. As a four year old, none of these kind of thoughts would go through your mind, but it definitely leaves an impression on one's discourse (speaking by the archaic definition of the word).
I later learned that my aunt was unable to have children as she was barren and her husband always complimented me and favored me of all the nieces. I believe this was especially so because I was the "splitting image" of that aunt as a youth. All this is what I have been told by other members of the family, so you may conjecture all you want as to what may have led my aunt to such a malicious act, but evidence is clear enough for me to draw my conclusions.
When God said He wanted to be deep, He really wasn't kidding. haha. This episode of my life had created a habit in me that I always have to work. I don't allow myself downtime or else I would have to face up to what's hurting my heart. What my mom said to me also made me feel that I cannot be open about my wounds or else people would think I'm weak. I do not allow myself to be vulnerable or perhaps more so that I do not know how to be.
My prayers now is asking God to move the right people's hearts to pursue me and my friendship rather than myself always throwing myself out there. I believe this had made me not real to myself as I "adjusted" to people to win over their friendships especially so that they would not attack me. All that did, though, was take me further away from what I am, who I am, and from the path of where God has my absolute potential ready for me to meet and be. In order for transformation I must face up to what I am now and understand it so that I can let it go; surrender it to the only being in the world who can make good of it.
Isolation may seem like a bad thing, and I realize it may not be fair to my friends (especially the ones who are trying to call me or contact me), but in all honesty, I'm hurt and I have no idea how to "be hurt" publicly. This is especially true since I was a church leader and so many have looked to me for guidance, love, wisdom, affection, and fellowship. I feel so terrible to the young youth who want to meet up with me to talk, but I am in such a shattered state that I don't know what I can do for them. It's like, I should be a mentor figure, someone to look up to, or something, but in all honesty, I need to be poured into rather than pour out. I don't want to burden anyone either with my problems, especially when I fear that the response I get from people I trusted (such as friends or family) is something along the lines of "you have to be strong", "this isn't you", "he/she was a jerk/biznatch-they're not worth your trouble", "you're a survivor", etc. etc. worst of all I don't want to hear is, "other people in the world are going through something much more worse than what you're going through; suck it up." or "everyone has issues". I just want to be like "NO SH*T SHERLOCK. but these are MY issues and I need to heal from them." I hope and pray for company that comes with a Christ-like heart: "yes, there are many in the world that suffer, but YOUR pain still stands out to me."
I am determined to do the same for those I care about and God's sheep, but when I think about it, perhaps God has already planted that in my heart as I have a deep, almost crippling, compassion for His creations.
In any case, that is my reflections and update for now. Tomorrow I venture out to Lynnwood to Image Church. :) Next in line (prayerfully of course)
Jesus Culture- CA
Tim Keller's Redeemer Presbyterian- NY
Solid Rock Church-OR
annddd that one church we go to for Mission Tour every summer in Vancouver. haha xp
BTW: update on my grandfather and going to Korea.
We had gathered enough funds to send my mom, but she's insistent on the three of us going. I think God put it on her heart as she prayed about it, so please pray for us that ..i guess for everything to be ok or manageable until next year april!
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