For those who have followed my blog since I opened it, you will see that I have deleted all my previous entries. I thought it would be fun to write about my relationship with my mom since many seem to enjoy hearing stories about it, but it turns out it's not such a fun thing to blog about..^^
I am starting a new blog as Mina and Rachel have suggested so that those who want to know where I am and what I am doing can read about it here. I deactivated my facebook for the time being (I am beginning to think I shall never start it up again..) so this will be the only public place where you will find my progress. The other sources of communication I have left myself open to are chatting, texting, phonecalls, and emails. I must say, though, that a response is not guaranteed.
As many of you know, I have been disconnecting myself from the social circle for the past weeks and will continue to be for as long as I need to be for this ...i'm not sure what to call it.."journey"? sounds cheezy.."adventure"? seems ridiculous (i'm not going "whee" during this process for this has been a VERY painful and uncomfortable time), so I'll just say...transformation..ok no wait, now that sounds too dramatic! haha. oh! Pastor Hong called it "sanctification" so let's call it that :).
Currently, I am visiting other churches to be replenished and also to research. It has only been my first Sunday, but this weekend has been a wonderful start. Many tears led to where I am right now and I still cry a lot, but I'm sure it'll begin to desist once everything that I had pent up and harbored is dug out of my heart. I am such a broken person.
In any case, this weekend I visited two churches. One on Saturday and the other on Sunday.
The Saturday visit to St. John Church Transformation Ministries International-Transforming Lives-Restoring Communities (2001 South J Street Tacoma, WA 98405) was not a visit with the intent of a church service, but it was for our beloved Mr. Williams' (Chris and Brandon's father) memorial service. I walked in crying, but then once the pastor started preaching, it literally turned into a celebration. They called it a "Home going Celebration" and the congregation praised God and celebrated Christ's expressions through John Chris Williams' life. It was SO hard to cry 'cause I found myself bobbing my head to the song and words of the minister. Whenever someone up on the stage with a mic referred to God's words people in the crowd quoted where it was from in the bible, not necessarily to be heard, but just to say it. African American churches definitely have an amazing depth of soul~ and passion to their relationship with God.
People were blessing one another and putting their hands out and waving it as if to fan the holy spirit onto their brothers and sisters. I was so touched to see Mrs. Williams put out her hands to God when a solo was being sung in honor of the deceased. The songs praised God and versed how Mighty and good He is. As the solos were being sung, there were outbursts of the people in the crowd singing along! The congregations turned into a choir; I loved it! The people sitting would stand and become back up singers, the pastors on stage bobbed their heads and stomped their feet. There was a sense of unity and i was so grateful to Christ that Mr. Williams and his family were part of such a fortified body of believers.
My next visit was to 4square in puyallup (4th St NW Puyallup, WA 98371). The worship pastor led the service I went to and he talked about the meaning of worship. I was so blessed to listen to something so basic be broken down and explained alongside God's words to me. I'll leave my experience at this church as a "To Be Continued" as I don't want this blog to get too long and I do want to address to any kind of mystery some readers find my situation.
So for those of you who are curious as to why I have left TFBC (Tacoma First Baptist Church) for the time being please read on. For those of you who already know, stay tuned for my next blog :)
To keep things simple and vague for my own sake, I shall copy and paste an email I had sent out to the Friday Night teachers explaining the reason for my leave.
Hello fellow FYN teachers,
I wanted to take a moment and explain a little more in depth the reason for taking time off so as to chastise any misunderstandings or bewilderment of this sudden temporary leave.
I first want to say, I am not tired because of serving. If anything, serving gives me life. There is definitely much to do in His Kingdom and as Satan works 24/7, there will always be a need or some kind of crisis within the body of Christ. That is not to say, though, that God is not at work too as He works beyond time for He waits for us in our tomorrows~ :)
I did not burn myself out or find myself overwhelmed with so much to do. I do realize that I live a pretty busy life and it has been a culprit that has distracted me from KNOWING God's heart for me and from having a consistently proper heart while in ministry, but this is only a tiny factor to the ultimate issue that had lied deep within me; so deep that it truly HAD to be God who would break the shell that held hidden the many complexities and pains/hurts I had.
These issues, I won't go into detail as it will make this email LONG, are things I should have properly dealt with from the day I became aware of God's existence, but unfortunately, the environs of my being (even what was missing) has made me blind or self-righteous in that all my actions, choices, and words seemed somehow justified. The cutting truth is, though, that no matter how much a victim I may be to all the "unfair" forces that has inflicted my heart since childhood, I am a sinner that must come before God completely vulnerable to promulgate ALL my trespasses; even the ones from the past when I did not know that were actual sins.
So I went about life, almost HAD to because of lack of love since childhood, using band-aid after
band-aid
(figuratively speaking..)
to patch up my injuries because I was (in a lot of ways still am) a child. I did not know how to put a cast on something that was broken because I was just a kid, and being able to cast up a broken arm would require a skill I had yet learned.
Not to victimize myself or sound like I am pitying myself, but I did not grow up with adults around me who were solid in God's words who could have patched up my wounds or correct my misunderstandings. So to be able to live on, I used what I knew I could and had: band-aids.
As of late, God had been pulling off the MANY band-aids that had covered an atrocious amount of history of sins (both performed and hurt by others' sins-such as my parents) that has made me into such a broken person today.
Therefore my reason for taking time off is not because I felt tired or burnt out, but because I want to take time in solitude and away from familiar surroundings to take this all head on for God to have His way completely with me and for me to couple with my heavenly bridegroom, my God the Father, to be one and complete. Please keep me in praying during this sanctification process and I will surely be keeping you all and the youth in my prayers as well.
