Hello all!
Sorry it's been awhile since I've updated. To make things simple for me, I am going to update you by pasting an email I sent to someone not too long ago :)
>>
So, i just wanted to give you some praise reports :)
I know last time we talked on the phone (or it seems like every time we talk on the phone ^^) I was emotional and crying, but in hindsight I have to say, i think that was one of the most prominent fights I've ever had with my mom. What came after was very eye opening and humbling and I can say confidently that God was at work. Although after talking to sunny, i found out what triggered my mom's explosion, but even now my mom says she was stupid to have acted the way she did. :/ In any case I believe all this was necessary for both my mother and I and it's almost as if all this had to happen in order for my heart to be soft enough to respond to what God had to reveal to me.
I remembered from what you said to me in our phone conversation that you said I shouldn't feel like I had to pressure myself to upgrade my time with God and my relationship with Him, but I think you may have misunderstood that I was not pressuring myself nor was I forcing it. I have to admit though, there was to some sense a type of "pushing" myself, but it was all because my heart knew that this is what God wanted from me, and because I know it would be pleasing to Him, I was in the process of dying to myself and pursuing something that is right. So I continued to have that time with God and this week I have been blown away~! ^^
This entire week I have been repeatedly overwhelmed by God's love for me. I had been encouraged by a Pastor from the Image Church to get to know God through reading the OT and to get to know Jesus as a man in the NT. So I started with Matthews and just by reading the first few chapters I found myself tearing up. I felt so depressed reading what Jesus had to go through while he was on earth. The rejection, persecution, criticism, persecution way before crucifixion, and the heartbreak he went through just by living his calling. I felt so connected with Christ in how I felt when people judged me by the spiritual gifts God has bestowed upon me. I can think of one person in my life from the past to present who have treated me the same way some people had treated Jesus in His time. This is not to say, though, that I measure up to Christ in ANY WAY, that's impossible and I am not holy or worthy enough, but it just showed me how intimate of a Father and brother Jesus is. He sssooooooooo knows me and the troubles that go on in my heart and there is no man on earth who can even fathom the deepest concerns, fears, or worries I have deep in my heart. He is also the ONLY one who can reach them. I am in complete awe at the workings of the trinity. Right now I am focused on Jesus reading through the gospels, but as I move my way through I know I will equally, maybe even more, be blessed and renewed at the workings of the Holy Spirit :)
I have also found our wonderful creator to be a very heroic and romantic God ^^. When I read through matthews I became literally depressed and cried out to God with apologies and sympathy pouring out of my lips. Does he need it? I don't know, but that's all my heart wanted to cry out to him as I prayed. I told God too, at the end of my prayers that i was so despondent that I didn't even want to get out of my bed or go to work! >.< Yes, I know I'm a very emotional person...I like to call it passion though haha ^^ I think at this point I could understand why people in the bible ripped their clothes or wore ...what was it? sackcloth right? (man i just read it last night in Esther when Mordecai was distressed..)
During this time Jesus has also taken my hand as His bride and eased me into fully embracing my calling as His daughter in Christ. I no longer fear or hold any grudge against God that I experience the things I do spiritually and supernaturally. This week, I have had numerous dreams and heard Christ in many ways in my heart that were revealing warnings, promises, and encouragements. These dreams have somehow come into play in my days, and I know this is nothing new really seeing that i have mentioned to you these sorts of occurrences many times before ^^. What was so unsettling for me in the past was that I couldn't understand the reason behind why God chose me to live with the gifts He has so graciously placed in me, and I couldn't figure out any of the components to be able to conduct any kind of equation that made all this make sense. So I stopped and surrendered and just reflected on how this all works. I couldn't live with not knowing the answers behind the mysteries behind how spiritual gifting work let alone mine specifically, but in reflection of His good word I have found that Jesus likes to keep secrets or things to himself. I think so many things will remain a mystery with God sometimes especially because as humans, we cannot ever fathom the workings of the omnipotent and omniscient God. I have humbled myself and am ok with all the mysteries behind the gifts God has entrusted onto me. I wondered this week, too, actually just last night as I read about Adam in Wild at Heart if this is what Adam must have felt when God bestowed the entire creation for Him to deal with. God believed in him. I believe that God believes in me too. So whenever I am faced with distress or even fight with my mom again, I have a mast to hold onto in the storm that represents God's confidence in me, His creation. Adam failed, though, but God still loved Him and continued to work in Him.
This reminded me of when I was in 8th grade. I was in Mr. Samuth's material science class and each week we were given a project to build that would perform a certain task; one that would withstand a certain force of wind, one that would survive tremors, or something that would run for exactly a minute. Being all handy, I enjoyed this class very much and I succeeded every project that I was getting a 118% (mr. samuth proudly showed me my grade after every month xp...yea..i was a teacher's pet ^^). There was one project, though that I had a really hard time with and that was the one where I had to make something that would run for precisely one minute. I put so much thought and planning into my creation that when it failed I was so disappointed at my own abilities. The flawed inventor created a flawed device. Eventually I had to give up on it and resort to plan B, and more simple and manageable design, but I was sad that I had to abandon my first idea since I had hope in that my invention would "wow" the crowd. So when it comes to me as a creation and God my inventor, I may fail, but God the perfect God, always has something up his sleeve to upgrade me, therefore I put my trust and faith in Him :)
I realized too, that if I had somehow figured out the equations to the spiritual workings in me, the dreams, gut feelings, prophecies, visions, voice, etc...then what I would end up doing is creating a ritual. For example if someone were to come to me and say "pray for me, what does God say?" and no mystery held me behind, somehow these gifts would become my own and invoke some form of personal glory. That, i know is wrong, cultish, and unbiblical. For a long time I felt like I had to satisfy even other people's bewilderment by giving them some kind of answers or even have to prove myself to them that I'm a legitimate Christian, but it looks like even jesus himself had gone through something similar. This leads me to hold onto my heavenly tighter and make man smaller in my eyes (and this includes me ^^).
So I am confident in my place, and I am peaceful, VERY peaceful when it comes to God and myself. He is leading me to the right places to the right people and I couldn't be any more content. I still walk around with some worries, concerns, and unresolved factors, but they have all become small and tamed as the presence of my bridegroom is acting as my rescuer ^^. cheezy? yes, i know...haha but i eat it all~~ up! ^^
Things with my mommy is ...well the storm has calmed now, but I do believe that by God's timing the fights will desist eventually, but I have realized that it's not up to me when I get off this roller coaster. At least for now that is...haha. So I pray for encouraging company and uplifting surroundings for whenever an explosion might happen. ^^
Sorry this got really long! >.<
thanks for reading through and God bless!
-Mizie So
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Timid and a bit scared, but gotta get out there~
Hmmmm
So last week I went to one of Mars Hill's main campus church in Ballard with Chris and Chate.
It was very different from the rest of the churches I had been visiting, but all the same I adjusted well :)
My reflections and what God taught me while I was at this church:
-It doesn't hurt to keep up with technology. Christians are competing against the world, so we gotta keep up! Christians are to love the world, so we gotta watch them develop and "follow" to learn about them as well.
I think that goes with all relationships: Grow together and you never stop learning about your significant other as change is a constant, so people will evolve :)
-Their leadership is crazzzziiiieeee unified. When you talk to one person or ask them a question, they all have the same answer! That's awesome. I mean the leadership wasn't set up in an autocratic way, so each answer had an individualistic spice to it ;), and you can really tell that the leadership knew each other very well and very initimate.
-After service, Pastor Mark Driscoll was waiting outside but he was so scarey to approach! >.< I did the hesitant "should i go talk to him now? later? is it ok?" tango back and forth, people prolly thought I had to go to the bathroom xp.
-I LOVE THAT THEY LET YOU DRINK COFFEEE DURING SERRVVIIICCEEEE!!!! :D
-Distractions: There was too much freedom. People walking about doing whatever they wanted. The cameras were a bit distracting too, but it was ok :)
-The worship: You can tell they take worship VERY SERIOUSLY. The worship leader was literally a one man band..one minute he's strumming the guitar and then you take a moment to close your eyes to be in tune with the Lord..then you open your eyes and see that his guitar is on the stand and now the worship leader is holding a tambourine..
Admittedly, I was naughty girl this Sunday. I knew the message Mark Driscoll shared was going to be broad casted online so..I didn't try as hard as I should have to stay awake xp.
Anywho. That was my last Sunday experience. This Sunday, I may be going to Mars Hill at a sister location to see what that's like OR I shall mosey on over to IHOP.
Man, I am learning SO MUCH.
blessings! :D
So, God has put it on my heart that it's time to stop shutting myself away. The time was def. necessary, but man, now i'm scared. haha The only people I've been seeing were pretty much coworkers, students, mom, and...haha the occasional meet ups with people who give me a call~
I dunno if i'm ready yet, as I still feel somewhat of a wreck..and kinda alone in this..maybe I am and God needs just that from me..but *sigh* here I go~
Lately, I've been doing better with strangers than close people it's kinda weird..but I needed to learn this esp. when I have an evangelistic heart; everyone should know about Jesus and His love. EVERYONE.
Whoops. sorry to cut this one short, but it's time to meet with my mentors!
ciao~!
So last week I went to one of Mars Hill's main campus church in Ballard with Chris and Chate.
It was very different from the rest of the churches I had been visiting, but all the same I adjusted well :)
My reflections and what God taught me while I was at this church:
-It doesn't hurt to keep up with technology. Christians are competing against the world, so we gotta keep up! Christians are to love the world, so we gotta watch them develop and "follow" to learn about them as well.
I think that goes with all relationships: Grow together and you never stop learning about your significant other as change is a constant, so people will evolve :)
-Their leadership is crazzzziiiieeee unified. When you talk to one person or ask them a question, they all have the same answer! That's awesome. I mean the leadership wasn't set up in an autocratic way, so each answer had an individualistic spice to it ;), and you can really tell that the leadership knew each other very well and very initimate.
-After service, Pastor Mark Driscoll was waiting outside but he was so scarey to approach! >.< I did the hesitant "should i go talk to him now? later? is it ok?" tango back and forth, people prolly thought I had to go to the bathroom xp.
-I LOVE THAT THEY LET YOU DRINK COFFEEE DURING SERRVVIIICCEEEE!!!! :D
-Distractions: There was too much freedom. People walking about doing whatever they wanted. The cameras were a bit distracting too, but it was ok :)
-The worship: You can tell they take worship VERY SERIOUSLY. The worship leader was literally a one man band..one minute he's strumming the guitar and then you take a moment to close your eyes to be in tune with the Lord..then you open your eyes and see that his guitar is on the stand and now the worship leader is holding a tambourine..
Admittedly, I was naughty girl this Sunday. I knew the message Mark Driscoll shared was going to be broad casted online so..I didn't try as hard as I should have to stay awake xp.
Anywho. That was my last Sunday experience. This Sunday, I may be going to Mars Hill at a sister location to see what that's like OR I shall mosey on over to IHOP.
Man, I am learning SO MUCH.
blessings! :D
So, God has put it on my heart that it's time to stop shutting myself away. The time was def. necessary, but man, now i'm scared. haha The only people I've been seeing were pretty much coworkers, students, mom, and...haha the occasional meet ups with people who give me a call~
I dunno if i'm ready yet, as I still feel somewhat of a wreck..and kinda alone in this..maybe I am and God needs just that from me..but *sigh* here I go~
Lately, I've been doing better with strangers than close people it's kinda weird..but I needed to learn this esp. when I have an evangelistic heart; everyone should know about Jesus and His love. EVERYONE.
Whoops. sorry to cut this one short, but it's time to meet with my mentors!
ciao~!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Sara Bareilles -Gravity
SARA BAREILLES LYRICS <3
"Gravity"
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
[CHORUS]
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
"Gravity"
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.
You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign.
[CHORUS:]
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.
[CHORUS]
I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on
The ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Magnified with purpose
Last Sunday (3.8.2010), I attended Image Church (19417 36th Ave W Lynnwood, WA 98036) on a Sunday for the first time. I've gone to their Thursday service once before in December, and just as much I have been blessed and awed at the presence of God in this place.
What I found delightful is how this church was planted only two years ago and yet it is already so solid and established. They branched off their main church in Spokane (if i recall correctly) and started this church with a different vision; a vision in which our church planting group has also been compelled by from God.
The moment I walked in and the praise started I was SSSSOOOOO moved, almost even slain by the spirit. This group of Christians were so loving and community based, it was so refreshing to see. The imageChurch is definitely led by the holy spirit in sync with the most valuable book ever written.
____________________________
New entry (3.18.10)
Sorry it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I've been really busy >.<
So, I've read through my past entries and have found it pretty depressing xp.
It may also seem unlike me to "mope" about the past issues I wrote about, although there are many more that I keep to myself between God and me ;), but I wanted to assure you all that it's with a purpose.
Sometimes we brush off things that happen in our lives or things we realize about ourselves, therefore diluting the real issues that God wants us to see clearly. Our issues, problems, fears, worries, sorrows, angers, bitterness, hurts, addictions, tendencies, insufficiencies...The world tells us, that to focus on these things is to be weak and weakness is something always frowned upon.
It is in our weakness though, that Jesus preaches, teaches, saves, heals, and graciously loves. Learning the TRUTH about "me" is liberating only with Christ and then from there we are lead to glory. So learn the cutting truth about your "me" and lift it to God; He has plans for you.
Whenever I get home from work, I like to spend a few hours to myself reading, eating, and most of all...watching movies or tv for pure entertainment. One show I have come to appreciate is South Park. I don't promote the way they bash on political issues as their episodes are all pretty much propaganda, but there is always a lot of material they use in their story lines and script that I can use :).
Today, I pluck their idea of the image of Jesus Christ: skinny, all about world peace, loving (although South Park puts it in a sarcastic manner), limp, and weak. The world definitely sees being a Christian as weak. But in this current season of suffering and hopelessness, I have found that being a Christian requires strength, wit, patience, guts, courage, and endurance. however, all this does not come through the ability of man as the world and satan so makes us believe. At a Dare2Share conference I went to 3 years back, I remember the pastor talking about the way the world perceives Jesus. The animation of Jesus on South Park pretty much sums it up, but the pastor shed a new light that in his opinion Jesus was quite the contrary. Back in the day, when Jesus physically walked this earth, his occupation was carpentry. Have you seen carpenters? I don't know about carpenters of today, but carpenters back in the day were much like black smiths: Big, burley, strong, muscular, and pretty much BUFF. He had to carry trees for his entire life (which makes me wonder..to carry that cross to calvary isn't an easy task, and Jesus, having dragged around tree trunks and wooden boards his whole life built in him the stamina to carry it as far as he did) haha. Jesus was quite the man, the pastor described. I don't know how much truth there is to Jesus' physique, but the point I'm trying to make is, as a Christian, weakness is strength. Kinda like one of those quotes: a real man cries!
Anywho. This journey of mine hasn't been an easy one, but as I lookk back, I have definitely climbed pretty high from where I started.
So currently, I'm a nomad; visiting other churches and not tied down to one place, but having the fellowship of my life with my beloved Bridegroom. I am everyday filled with the holy spirit and led by the soft voice of God to live the days of my life.
It was so necessary to explore what I had hidden away or tried to be stronger than. I grew up telling myself that things would get better, that I am strong and can get over whatever obstacles came my way. I still believe it, but without the focus of "me". It took a leap of faith and definitely courage to jump into the black abyss that every person has in their hearts because we are born into sin, and I had to do it alone. I must, however make a shout out to a dear and loving supporter; Jessica Byrd.
Jessica, I know you'll be one of the first to read this entry and I just want to say thank you and from the bottom of my heart I love you. I know that my road would not have been as narrow as the bible mentions, without your prayers, your corrections, encouragement, and love. I thank God that whenever I was close to stepping out of line and go wayward, you stepped in with your sense of justice and pleaded the case for Christ. You were never on my side, you were on His and that's what I love about you the most. When I think of you, the holy spirit is stirred in me :) Thank you for living your life the righteous way as it inspires me to look up always even if the clouds are stormy. Your life is a spirit shaking testimony not because of miracles, prophesies, or anything of the supernatural, but simply because you live each step of your life prayerfully. GOD BLESS YOU. As we joke: If you were a man, I'd marry you! <3
As I end this entry I want to implore you, my readers, that we MUST KNOW the trinity. Not piece by piece as God the Father (.) *period, Jesus the Son (.) and the Holy Spirit (.) but as ONE: God the Father, He as Jesus the Son of God, and Jesus-our God as the holy spirit. Read the bible. Everything lies within being still, ALWAYS praying, and DAILY reading scripture not to just get something out of it, but simply because God is real. Do these things without the expectancy of God doing anything for you, but because He's our King and we are his soldiers..doing these things are His orders and as his subjects, reading the bible, serving led by the spirit, praying, and worshiping Him is a gesture of ours that we acknowledge His omnipotent authority in our life.
Read the Old Testament to learn our Lord's patterns as God the Father.
Read the New Testament and fall in love with the books of Matthew, Luke, Mark, and John and I'm sure you will as we learn about God's love and grace through these parts of scripture.
Then continue to read on and learn about the Holy Spirit. How does it become potent in our lives?
The world is becoming an uglier place and Christians, real Christians, must rise up. This spiritual warfare is becoming louder and morbid: stealing, loss, deaths, suicides, addictions, rapes, hurting, killing, separating..
Last sunday, God gave me a glimpse of the end times and I broke down. My body shook and my face was hot and tingly..God spoke so clearly to my heart His plans for this world and showed me the world for what it is today. There are Christians out there who truly believe they are saved and that they are Christians, but when Christ comes to "search our hearts" to see if the holy spirit is there, we will be shocked as some we have believed to be genuine Christians turn out not to be. Only the holy spirit can give us that knowledge and discernment, so hold tight of the Trinity.
In any case, as you may be able to tell through my tone of this entry, I am inspired and ..fine :) haha. I am coming out again and opening myself up again to people :) I still remain, however, unattached to any place or any one and continue to roam "like a nomad" as Jessica would put it. :)
See ya'll next time!
What I found delightful is how this church was planted only two years ago and yet it is already so solid and established. They branched off their main church in Spokane (if i recall correctly) and started this church with a different vision; a vision in which our church planting group has also been compelled by from God.
The moment I walked in and the praise started I was SSSSOOOOO moved, almost even slain by the spirit. This group of Christians were so loving and community based, it was so refreshing to see. The imageChurch is definitely led by the holy spirit in sync with the most valuable book ever written.
____________________________
New entry (3.18.10)
Sorry it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I've been really busy >.<
So, I've read through my past entries and have found it pretty depressing xp.
It may also seem unlike me to "mope" about the past issues I wrote about, although there are many more that I keep to myself between God and me ;), but I wanted to assure you all that it's with a purpose.
Sometimes we brush off things that happen in our lives or things we realize about ourselves, therefore diluting the real issues that God wants us to see clearly. Our issues, problems, fears, worries, sorrows, angers, bitterness, hurts, addictions, tendencies, insufficiencies...The world tells us, that to focus on these things is to be weak and weakness is something always frowned upon.
It is in our weakness though, that Jesus preaches, teaches, saves, heals, and graciously loves. Learning the TRUTH about "me" is liberating only with Christ and then from there we are lead to glory. So learn the cutting truth about your "me" and lift it to God; He has plans for you.
Whenever I get home from work, I like to spend a few hours to myself reading, eating, and most of all...watching movies or tv for pure entertainment. One show I have come to appreciate is South Park. I don't promote the way they bash on political issues as their episodes are all pretty much propaganda, but there is always a lot of material they use in their story lines and script that I can use :).
Today, I pluck their idea of the image of Jesus Christ: skinny, all about world peace, loving (although South Park puts it in a sarcastic manner), limp, and weak. The world definitely sees being a Christian as weak. But in this current season of suffering and hopelessness, I have found that being a Christian requires strength, wit, patience, guts, courage, and endurance. however, all this does not come through the ability of man as the world and satan so makes us believe. At a Dare2Share conference I went to 3 years back, I remember the pastor talking about the way the world perceives Jesus. The animation of Jesus on South Park pretty much sums it up, but the pastor shed a new light that in his opinion Jesus was quite the contrary. Back in the day, when Jesus physically walked this earth, his occupation was carpentry. Have you seen carpenters? I don't know about carpenters of today, but carpenters back in the day were much like black smiths: Big, burley, strong, muscular, and pretty much BUFF. He had to carry trees for his entire life (which makes me wonder..to carry that cross to calvary isn't an easy task, and Jesus, having dragged around tree trunks and wooden boards his whole life built in him the stamina to carry it as far as he did) haha. Jesus was quite the man, the pastor described. I don't know how much truth there is to Jesus' physique, but the point I'm trying to make is, as a Christian, weakness is strength. Kinda like one of those quotes: a real man cries!
Anywho. This journey of mine hasn't been an easy one, but as I lookk back, I have definitely climbed pretty high from where I started.
So currently, I'm a nomad; visiting other churches and not tied down to one place, but having the fellowship of my life with my beloved Bridegroom. I am everyday filled with the holy spirit and led by the soft voice of God to live the days of my life.
It was so necessary to explore what I had hidden away or tried to be stronger than. I grew up telling myself that things would get better, that I am strong and can get over whatever obstacles came my way. I still believe it, but without the focus of "me". It took a leap of faith and definitely courage to jump into the black abyss that every person has in their hearts because we are born into sin, and I had to do it alone. I must, however make a shout out to a dear and loving supporter; Jessica Byrd.
Jessica, I know you'll be one of the first to read this entry and I just want to say thank you and from the bottom of my heart I love you. I know that my road would not have been as narrow as the bible mentions, without your prayers, your corrections, encouragement, and love. I thank God that whenever I was close to stepping out of line and go wayward, you stepped in with your sense of justice and pleaded the case for Christ. You were never on my side, you were on His and that's what I love about you the most. When I think of you, the holy spirit is stirred in me :) Thank you for living your life the righteous way as it inspires me to look up always even if the clouds are stormy. Your life is a spirit shaking testimony not because of miracles, prophesies, or anything of the supernatural, but simply because you live each step of your life prayerfully. GOD BLESS YOU. As we joke: If you were a man, I'd marry you! <3
As I end this entry I want to implore you, my readers, that we MUST KNOW the trinity. Not piece by piece as God the Father (.) *period, Jesus the Son (.) and the Holy Spirit (.) but as ONE: God the Father, He as Jesus the Son of God, and Jesus-our God as the holy spirit. Read the bible. Everything lies within being still, ALWAYS praying, and DAILY reading scripture not to just get something out of it, but simply because God is real. Do these things without the expectancy of God doing anything for you, but because He's our King and we are his soldiers..doing these things are His orders and as his subjects, reading the bible, serving led by the spirit, praying, and worshiping Him is a gesture of ours that we acknowledge His omnipotent authority in our life.
Read the Old Testament to learn our Lord's patterns as God the Father.
Read the New Testament and fall in love with the books of Matthew, Luke, Mark, and John and I'm sure you will as we learn about God's love and grace through these parts of scripture.
Then continue to read on and learn about the Holy Spirit. How does it become potent in our lives?
The world is becoming an uglier place and Christians, real Christians, must rise up. This spiritual warfare is becoming louder and morbid: stealing, loss, deaths, suicides, addictions, rapes, hurting, killing, separating..
Last sunday, God gave me a glimpse of the end times and I broke down. My body shook and my face was hot and tingly..God spoke so clearly to my heart His plans for this world and showed me the world for what it is today. There are Christians out there who truly believe they are saved and that they are Christians, but when Christ comes to "search our hearts" to see if the holy spirit is there, we will be shocked as some we have believed to be genuine Christians turn out not to be. Only the holy spirit can give us that knowledge and discernment, so hold tight of the Trinity.
In any case, as you may be able to tell through my tone of this entry, I am inspired and ..fine :) haha. I am coming out again and opening myself up again to people :) I still remain, however, unattached to any place or any one and continue to roam "like a nomad" as Jessica would put it. :)
See ya'll next time!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Impressions
Forgive me for the long allotted time that have past since my last entry. ^^
The past two weeks have been so incredibly rough that it drained me to the point of exhaustion. For one week, the only time i wasn't sleeping was when I had to be at work....
So, my sundays..the church hopping...admittedly, I didn't make it to church either weeks. The youth banquet a few saturdays ago totally wiped me out that I literally slept all through Sunday. The banquet, I have to say though, was the most successful banquet I have seen since the first one. The food turned out excellent (ah~ of course haha) and the cupcake bar was a success! For those of you who are curious, the menu:
Garlic Rice Pilaf
BBQ chicken skewers with my recipe of sauce
Seafood Ettouffee with chicken (think country gravy, but creamier with shrimp and crab meat) :)
Catalina Salad with a spicy kick.
I enjoyed so much of my time in the kitchen, it almost saddens me that this was my last banquet. I hope I get to cook for large groups again in the future.
Although I did not make it to church, God has found many ways to work into my heart both Sundays. The first Sunday I missed church I woke up and was suddenly hit with a memory from when I was four years old. I had no idea that at the time how much of an impression this "incident" was going to leave on me throughout my life.
When I was born, my parents decided to practice an old Korean tradition where the parents let the daughter's hair grow. My hair flowed down to my knees and it was like a black canvas as each strand hung evenly down my back. Every morning I would wake up and my mom would comb my hair after washing it and this whole process took at least half and hour. I had no say in what style my hair would be for the day, and all I could do was sit silently and wait until my mom was done.
One day, my mom bought little plastic hairbands from K-Mart and I vividly remember each color and patter. There was a pastel blue with fireflies imprinted on the band, some even taking its own plastic shape. My second favorite was the purple hairband with little butterflies that sat across the top brim. The pink one though, with sunflowers of different sizes spread across the hair band, was my most favorite of all. When my mom purchased these hair ornaments, it was her way of letting me take control over my hair. For some reason, I was elated, but at that age I had no idea that the sensation I was feeling was liberty. It was the first time I was given independence over my hair. As I tried on different hair bands to register how my hair looked in each color one morning, my mom came in and told me to make myself up as "keungomo" was coming for a visit. "Keungomo" is the oldest aunt on my dad's side of the family. She is senior to 9 other siblings and also the wealthiest.
I was so excited to show off my new hair accessories to my aunt, so I put on my best dress, combed my hair, and carefully placed my favorite pink band on my hair. When I felt presentable enough for Keungomo, I walked outside beaming with hope that she would find me pretty. After a deep bow and a loud greeting, I looked up to my aunt and she motioned her hand for me to come closer. She held my face in her palm and complimented me. I smiled. Her warm hand caressed my baby cheeks and then suddenly it moved up into my hair. She grabbed the headband out of my hair and said, "oh, this looks new." I was so happy that she liked my new hair piece, but then her hands started coming at me with the opposite end of the head band. I was confused and watched the sunflowers coming nearer above my eyes and then my aunt snapped the headband in two. The break scraped my forehead and two lines of crimson started to slowly seep through my pale skin. My eyes weld up and poured out tears. I had never been so confused in my life. Moreover, my mom stood by and just watched. She didn't say anything. I ran to my room holding the two pieces that once wreathed a pretty pattern of sunflowers and cried. My mom later came to me and watched me. I wanted a hug, but my sobbing didn't allow me to make the request. I looked up my mom and she looked hurt and angry. I don't know what was going through her mind at the time, but I clearly remember her telling me that I had to be strong. "Life..just doesn't make things easy so we always have to work hard at it and survive through pain. you just have to be strong."
My little four year old heart was so broken and being the helpless child I was, I had no idea how to appease such agonizing pain. In that moment I felt that I was not protected and that no one was around to protect me. Since a mother would be the source of comfort, I ate my mom's words up like it was the cure, the medicine to all my tears. This experience as a four year old replayed in my mind that Sunday morning and I cried. I understood myself better, and that's just what God is doing with me right now. He is helping me know myself, understand my "self" better, and helping me be loved. As a four year old, none of these kind of thoughts would go through your mind, but it definitely leaves an impression on one's discourse (speaking by the archaic definition of the word).
I later learned that my aunt was unable to have children as she was barren and her husband always complimented me and favored me of all the nieces. I believe this was especially so because I was the "splitting image" of that aunt as a youth. All this is what I have been told by other members of the family, so you may conjecture all you want as to what may have led my aunt to such a malicious act, but evidence is clear enough for me to draw my conclusions.
When God said He wanted to be deep, He really wasn't kidding. haha. This episode of my life had created a habit in me that I always have to work. I don't allow myself downtime or else I would have to face up to what's hurting my heart. What my mom said to me also made me feel that I cannot be open about my wounds or else people would think I'm weak. I do not allow myself to be vulnerable or perhaps more so that I do not know how to be.
My prayers now is asking God to move the right people's hearts to pursue me and my friendship rather than myself always throwing myself out there. I believe this had made me not real to myself as I "adjusted" to people to win over their friendships especially so that they would not attack me. All that did, though, was take me further away from what I am, who I am, and from the path of where God has my absolute potential ready for me to meet and be. In order for transformation I must face up to what I am now and understand it so that I can let it go; surrender it to the only being in the world who can make good of it.
Isolation may seem like a bad thing, and I realize it may not be fair to my friends (especially the ones who are trying to call me or contact me), but in all honesty, I'm hurt and I have no idea how to "be hurt" publicly. This is especially true since I was a church leader and so many have looked to me for guidance, love, wisdom, affection, and fellowship. I feel so terrible to the young youth who want to meet up with me to talk, but I am in such a shattered state that I don't know what I can do for them. It's like, I should be a mentor figure, someone to look up to, or something, but in all honesty, I need to be poured into rather than pour out. I don't want to burden anyone either with my problems, especially when I fear that the response I get from people I trusted (such as friends or family) is something along the lines of "you have to be strong", "this isn't you", "he/she was a jerk/biznatch-they're not worth your trouble", "you're a survivor", etc. etc. worst of all I don't want to hear is, "other people in the world are going through something much more worse than what you're going through; suck it up." or "everyone has issues". I just want to be like "NO SH*T SHERLOCK. but these are MY issues and I need to heal from them." I hope and pray for company that comes with a Christ-like heart: "yes, there are many in the world that suffer, but YOUR pain still stands out to me."
I am determined to do the same for those I care about and God's sheep, but when I think about it, perhaps God has already planted that in my heart as I have a deep, almost crippling, compassion for His creations.
In any case, that is my reflections and update for now. Tomorrow I venture out to Lynnwood to Image Church. :) Next in line (prayerfully of course)
Jesus Culture- CA
Tim Keller's Redeemer Presbyterian- NY
Solid Rock Church-OR
annddd that one church we go to for Mission Tour every summer in Vancouver. haha xp
BTW: update on my grandfather and going to Korea.
We had gathered enough funds to send my mom, but she's insistent on the three of us going. I think God put it on her heart as she prayed about it, so please pray for us that ..i guess for everything to be ok or manageable until next year april!
The past two weeks have been so incredibly rough that it drained me to the point of exhaustion. For one week, the only time i wasn't sleeping was when I had to be at work....
So, my sundays..the church hopping...admittedly, I didn't make it to church either weeks. The youth banquet a few saturdays ago totally wiped me out that I literally slept all through Sunday. The banquet, I have to say though, was the most successful banquet I have seen since the first one. The food turned out excellent (ah~ of course haha) and the cupcake bar was a success! For those of you who are curious, the menu:
Garlic Rice Pilaf
BBQ chicken skewers with my recipe of sauce
Seafood Ettouffee with chicken (think country gravy, but creamier with shrimp and crab meat) :)
Catalina Salad with a spicy kick.
I enjoyed so much of my time in the kitchen, it almost saddens me that this was my last banquet. I hope I get to cook for large groups again in the future.
Although I did not make it to church, God has found many ways to work into my heart both Sundays. The first Sunday I missed church I woke up and was suddenly hit with a memory from when I was four years old. I had no idea that at the time how much of an impression this "incident" was going to leave on me throughout my life.
When I was born, my parents decided to practice an old Korean tradition where the parents let the daughter's hair grow. My hair flowed down to my knees and it was like a black canvas as each strand hung evenly down my back. Every morning I would wake up and my mom would comb my hair after washing it and this whole process took at least half and hour. I had no say in what style my hair would be for the day, and all I could do was sit silently and wait until my mom was done.
One day, my mom bought little plastic hairbands from K-Mart and I vividly remember each color and patter. There was a pastel blue with fireflies imprinted on the band, some even taking its own plastic shape. My second favorite was the purple hairband with little butterflies that sat across the top brim. The pink one though, with sunflowers of different sizes spread across the hair band, was my most favorite of all. When my mom purchased these hair ornaments, it was her way of letting me take control over my hair. For some reason, I was elated, but at that age I had no idea that the sensation I was feeling was liberty. It was the first time I was given independence over my hair. As I tried on different hair bands to register how my hair looked in each color one morning, my mom came in and told me to make myself up as "keungomo" was coming for a visit. "Keungomo" is the oldest aunt on my dad's side of the family. She is senior to 9 other siblings and also the wealthiest.
I was so excited to show off my new hair accessories to my aunt, so I put on my best dress, combed my hair, and carefully placed my favorite pink band on my hair. When I felt presentable enough for Keungomo, I walked outside beaming with hope that she would find me pretty. After a deep bow and a loud greeting, I looked up to my aunt and she motioned her hand for me to come closer. She held my face in her palm and complimented me. I smiled. Her warm hand caressed my baby cheeks and then suddenly it moved up into my hair. She grabbed the headband out of my hair and said, "oh, this looks new." I was so happy that she liked my new hair piece, but then her hands started coming at me with the opposite end of the head band. I was confused and watched the sunflowers coming nearer above my eyes and then my aunt snapped the headband in two. The break scraped my forehead and two lines of crimson started to slowly seep through my pale skin. My eyes weld up and poured out tears. I had never been so confused in my life. Moreover, my mom stood by and just watched. She didn't say anything. I ran to my room holding the two pieces that once wreathed a pretty pattern of sunflowers and cried. My mom later came to me and watched me. I wanted a hug, but my sobbing didn't allow me to make the request. I looked up my mom and she looked hurt and angry. I don't know what was going through her mind at the time, but I clearly remember her telling me that I had to be strong. "Life..just doesn't make things easy so we always have to work hard at it and survive through pain. you just have to be strong."
My little four year old heart was so broken and being the helpless child I was, I had no idea how to appease such agonizing pain. In that moment I felt that I was not protected and that no one was around to protect me. Since a mother would be the source of comfort, I ate my mom's words up like it was the cure, the medicine to all my tears. This experience as a four year old replayed in my mind that Sunday morning and I cried. I understood myself better, and that's just what God is doing with me right now. He is helping me know myself, understand my "self" better, and helping me be loved. As a four year old, none of these kind of thoughts would go through your mind, but it definitely leaves an impression on one's discourse (speaking by the archaic definition of the word).
I later learned that my aunt was unable to have children as she was barren and her husband always complimented me and favored me of all the nieces. I believe this was especially so because I was the "splitting image" of that aunt as a youth. All this is what I have been told by other members of the family, so you may conjecture all you want as to what may have led my aunt to such a malicious act, but evidence is clear enough for me to draw my conclusions.
When God said He wanted to be deep, He really wasn't kidding. haha. This episode of my life had created a habit in me that I always have to work. I don't allow myself downtime or else I would have to face up to what's hurting my heart. What my mom said to me also made me feel that I cannot be open about my wounds or else people would think I'm weak. I do not allow myself to be vulnerable or perhaps more so that I do not know how to be.
My prayers now is asking God to move the right people's hearts to pursue me and my friendship rather than myself always throwing myself out there. I believe this had made me not real to myself as I "adjusted" to people to win over their friendships especially so that they would not attack me. All that did, though, was take me further away from what I am, who I am, and from the path of where God has my absolute potential ready for me to meet and be. In order for transformation I must face up to what I am now and understand it so that I can let it go; surrender it to the only being in the world who can make good of it.
Isolation may seem like a bad thing, and I realize it may not be fair to my friends (especially the ones who are trying to call me or contact me), but in all honesty, I'm hurt and I have no idea how to "be hurt" publicly. This is especially true since I was a church leader and so many have looked to me for guidance, love, wisdom, affection, and fellowship. I feel so terrible to the young youth who want to meet up with me to talk, but I am in such a shattered state that I don't know what I can do for them. It's like, I should be a mentor figure, someone to look up to, or something, but in all honesty, I need to be poured into rather than pour out. I don't want to burden anyone either with my problems, especially when I fear that the response I get from people I trusted (such as friends or family) is something along the lines of "you have to be strong", "this isn't you", "he/she was a jerk/biznatch-they're not worth your trouble", "you're a survivor", etc. etc. worst of all I don't want to hear is, "other people in the world are going through something much more worse than what you're going through; suck it up." or "everyone has issues". I just want to be like "NO SH*T SHERLOCK. but these are MY issues and I need to heal from them." I hope and pray for company that comes with a Christ-like heart: "yes, there are many in the world that suffer, but YOUR pain still stands out to me."
I am determined to do the same for those I care about and God's sheep, but when I think about it, perhaps God has already planted that in my heart as I have a deep, almost crippling, compassion for His creations.
In any case, that is my reflections and update for now. Tomorrow I venture out to Lynnwood to Image Church. :) Next in line (prayerfully of course)
Jesus Culture- CA
Tim Keller's Redeemer Presbyterian- NY
Solid Rock Church-OR
annddd that one church we go to for Mission Tour every summer in Vancouver. haha xp
BTW: update on my grandfather and going to Korea.
We had gathered enough funds to send my mom, but she's insistent on the three of us going. I think God put it on her heart as she prayed about it, so please pray for us that ..i guess for everything to be ok or manageable until next year april!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
p4square (Valentines day)
4square of Puyallup is located right across the street from the Puyuallup Fair. I smell perks! ^^ jk.
I was unfortunately late for the 1130 service since I get easily distracted from listening attentively to my gps as attentively as I should.
So when I walked in, the Worship Pastor was already well into the sermon. I was AMAZED by the stage. The decor, lighting, instrument set up, then the theater seatings, cup holders, bright flat screens...it certainly made me grow a sense of expectation on the inside.
I loved how the worship pastor preached his forte; worship :) "Worship has the life altering ability to change the world." A bit of a bold statement, I say, but in the bigger picture, it is SO true. I was more convinced of this when he put worship into application during a hard time of his life. The pastor shared his testimony and sat at the grand piano nearby and sang the song that came to his heart when he focused on God in his trials. HIS VOICE WAS SOOO NNIIICCEEE!!! I clocked his ring finger and found he was married. Whew, what a blessed woman his wife must be; married to a tall, attractive, talented, MAN OF GOD. haha! ANYWAYS!
When you want to be a worshiper, you gotta be a servant for servants don't get offended. As believers in Christ, we must have the mindset of servants. A servant is constantly giving and humbled continuously by a sovereign. As Christians, we must remember that it is not all about the receiving. It is just as importantly about the giving as Christ has so graciously given us EVERYTHING; life, health, healing, food, status, education, wealth, relationships, and every bit of resource and tool we need to handle or deal with the inflictions of the enemy. We are blessed to bless others. "Think Give, not Get". Our complaints about what we did not get from God must not inundate our hearts or else is will drown our hearts of worship.
Anywho, before I get all preachy I want to end with a reflection from what happened on Valentines Day.
First, I forgot it was Valentines day. I don't take this holiday seriously, NOT BECAUSE I'M SINGLE, but because it is an absolute commercialized holiday (I really don't care what St. Valentine represented in the 14th century and quite frankly, it really wasn't for the world. Christmas represents a more worthy being to celebrate as He did literally SAVE the world). I was driving up to meet Mina and Rachel to watch the movie Valentines Day(cute movie, loved the puns, Jessica Alba has yet to impress me as a "talent", Ashton Kutcher-still crushin on hiimm~, George Lopez..WOW he's gotta stay out of the sun-his face was very shriveled, the ending was what captivated me the most. I choked and teared up) and meet up with someone for lunch since I had promised him that I would forgetting that he was an impossible flirt with questionable intentions. He gave me chocolates, but nothing could beat the Valentine I got that day. (You can guess who it's from, yes it's chezzy, but what expression of love is not? ^^)
On the drive up there, I saw a rainbow in the sky. Bingo! My Valentine from God. haha-- In my heart I heard God say, "I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I am ready to love you tomorrow." :3 The splash of color across the sky also reminded me the significance behind it. It is a symbol, a sign, given by the mighty creator. The rainbow, I realized, is a manifestation of God in the past, the present, and the future.
Past: After the Lord flooded the Earth, He promised His creations that He would never strike the world again with a flood. He created it.
Present: God created the rainbow in the past for us to see this day (a world inclined to a future more corrupt than when God brought upon the flood). God's promise is never changing, still valid to present day.
Future: When we watch the weather forecast on the news, we actually put faith in the weather predictions. We can expect the next day what the meteorologists conclude from reading the weather dopplers, and we prepare for it. If we know there is going to be rain and sunshine, you can bet you'll find a rainbow somewhere. The rainbow, will faithfully, be put in place the next day under the proper conditions.
I have to apologize for the lengthy entry, yet again...but this will be my last apology for I will follow this statement with a warning: MY ENTIRES WILL BE LONG.
hence I appreciate every one of you who read through my precious thoughts attentively. :) As a B.A holder of English and a passionate writer, I must say; skimming is an insult! xp
_fin_
(to whom wrote to me these emails):
Hey! I just read your blog :) and I just want you to know I'm here if you need me.. but that shouldn't even be in question. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I miss you.
> Thank you. It means a lot to me that you're reading through and following me along in this adventure. haha. It makes me feel less alone ^^
I'll be praying for you. I know God is gonna use this... BIG time!
>Your encouragement brings me relief that you understand that this is not a spurt of fulfilling my personal desire and that you are spiritually sound enough to KNOW this is led by God's leadership. I am also encouraged in a way that I am given hope and anticipation as I do wish for God to use this BIG time in the future :)
<33
I was unfortunately late for the 1130 service since I get easily distracted from listening attentively to my gps as attentively as I should.
So when I walked in, the Worship Pastor was already well into the sermon. I was AMAZED by the stage. The decor, lighting, instrument set up, then the theater seatings, cup holders, bright flat screens...it certainly made me grow a sense of expectation on the inside.
I loved how the worship pastor preached his forte; worship :) "Worship has the life altering ability to change the world." A bit of a bold statement, I say, but in the bigger picture, it is SO true. I was more convinced of this when he put worship into application during a hard time of his life. The pastor shared his testimony and sat at the grand piano nearby and sang the song that came to his heart when he focused on God in his trials. HIS VOICE WAS SOOO NNIIICCEEE!!! I clocked his ring finger and found he was married. Whew, what a blessed woman his wife must be; married to a tall, attractive, talented, MAN OF GOD. haha! ANYWAYS!
When you want to be a worshiper, you gotta be a servant for servants don't get offended. As believers in Christ, we must have the mindset of servants. A servant is constantly giving and humbled continuously by a sovereign. As Christians, we must remember that it is not all about the receiving. It is just as importantly about the giving as Christ has so graciously given us EVERYTHING; life, health, healing, food, status, education, wealth, relationships, and every bit of resource and tool we need to handle or deal with the inflictions of the enemy. We are blessed to bless others. "Think Give, not Get". Our complaints about what we did not get from God must not inundate our hearts or else is will drown our hearts of worship.
Anywho, before I get all preachy I want to end with a reflection from what happened on Valentines Day.
First, I forgot it was Valentines day. I don't take this holiday seriously, NOT BECAUSE I'M SINGLE, but because it is an absolute commercialized holiday (I really don't care what St. Valentine represented in the 14th century and quite frankly, it really wasn't for the world. Christmas represents a more worthy being to celebrate as He did literally SAVE the world). I was driving up to meet Mina and Rachel to watch the movie Valentines Day(cute movie, loved the puns, Jessica Alba has yet to impress me as a "talent", Ashton Kutcher-still crushin on hiimm~, George Lopez..WOW he's gotta stay out of the sun-his face was very shriveled, the ending was what captivated me the most. I choked and teared up) and meet up with someone for lunch since I had promised him that I would forgetting that he was an impossible flirt with questionable intentions. He gave me chocolates, but nothing could beat the Valentine I got that day. (You can guess who it's from, yes it's chezzy, but what expression of love is not? ^^)
On the drive up there, I saw a rainbow in the sky. Bingo! My Valentine from God. haha-- In my heart I heard God say, "I loved you yesterday, I love you today, and I am ready to love you tomorrow." :3 The splash of color across the sky also reminded me the significance behind it. It is a symbol, a sign, given by the mighty creator. The rainbow, I realized, is a manifestation of God in the past, the present, and the future.
Past: After the Lord flooded the Earth, He promised His creations that He would never strike the world again with a flood. He created it.
Present: God created the rainbow in the past for us to see this day (a world inclined to a future more corrupt than when God brought upon the flood). God's promise is never changing, still valid to present day.
Future: When we watch the weather forecast on the news, we actually put faith in the weather predictions. We can expect the next day what the meteorologists conclude from reading the weather dopplers, and we prepare for it. If we know there is going to be rain and sunshine, you can bet you'll find a rainbow somewhere. The rainbow, will faithfully, be put in place the next day under the proper conditions.
I have to apologize for the lengthy entry, yet again...but this will be my last apology for I will follow this statement with a warning: MY ENTIRES WILL BE LONG.
hence I appreciate every one of you who read through my precious thoughts attentively. :) As a B.A holder of English and a passionate writer, I must say; skimming is an insult! xp
_fin_
(to whom wrote to me these emails):
Hey! I just read your blog :) and I just want you to know I'm here if you need me.. but that shouldn't even be in question. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I miss you.
> Thank you. It means a lot to me that you're reading through and following me along in this adventure. haha. It makes me feel less alone ^^
I'll be praying for you. I know God is gonna use this... BIG time!
>Your encouragement brings me relief that you understand that this is not a spurt of fulfilling my personal desire and that you are spiritually sound enough to KNOW this is led by God's leadership. I am also encouraged in a way that I am given hope and anticipation as I do wish for God to use this BIG time in the future :)
<33
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
So here it begins...
Hello readers :) (I don't feel like editing this post so ..sorry for typos! ^^)
For those who have followed my blog since I opened it, you will see that I have deleted all my previous entries. I thought it would be fun to write about my relationship with my mom since many seem to enjoy hearing stories about it, but it turns out it's not such a fun thing to blog about..^^
I am starting a new blog as Mina and Rachel have suggested so that those who want to know where I am and what I am doing can read about it here. I deactivated my facebook for the time being (I am beginning to think I shall never start it up again..) so this will be the only public place where you will find my progress. The other sources of communication I have left myself open to are chatting, texting, phonecalls, and emails. I must say, though, that a response is not guaranteed.
As many of you know, I have been disconnecting myself from the social circle for the past weeks and will continue to be for as long as I need to be for this ...i'm not sure what to call it.."journey"? sounds cheezy.."adventure"? seems ridiculous (i'm not going "whee" during this process for this has been a VERY painful and uncomfortable time), so I'll just say...transformation..ok no wait, now that sounds too dramatic! haha. oh! Pastor Hong called it "sanctification" so let's call it that :).
Currently, I am visiting other churches to be replenished and also to research. It has only been my first Sunday, but this weekend has been a wonderful start. Many tears led to where I am right now and I still cry a lot, but I'm sure it'll begin to desist once everything that I had pent up and harbored is dug out of my heart. I am such a broken person.
In any case, this weekend I visited two churches. One on Saturday and the other on Sunday.
The Saturday visit to St. John Church Transformation Ministries International-Transforming Lives-Restoring Communities (2001 South J Street Tacoma, WA 98405) was not a visit with the intent of a church service, but it was for our beloved Mr. Williams' (Chris and Brandon's father) memorial service. I walked in crying, but then once the pastor started preaching, it literally turned into a celebration. They called it a "Home going Celebration" and the congregation praised God and celebrated Christ's expressions through John Chris Williams' life. It was SO hard to cry 'cause I found myself bobbing my head to the song and words of the minister. Whenever someone up on the stage with a mic referred to God's words people in the crowd quoted where it was from in the bible, not necessarily to be heard, but just to say it. African American churches definitely have an amazing depth of soul~ and passion to their relationship with God.
People were blessing one another and putting their hands out and waving it as if to fan the holy spirit onto their brothers and sisters. I was so touched to see Mrs. Williams put out her hands to God when a solo was being sung in honor of the deceased. The songs praised God and versed how Mighty and good He is. As the solos were being sung, there were outbursts of the people in the crowd singing along! The congregations turned into a choir; I loved it! The people sitting would stand and become back up singers, the pastors on stage bobbed their heads and stomped their feet. There was a sense of unity and i was so grateful to Christ that Mr. Williams and his family were part of such a fortified body of believers.
My next visit was to 4square in puyallup (4th St NW Puyallup, WA 98371). The worship pastor led the service I went to and he talked about the meaning of worship. I was so blessed to listen to something so basic be broken down and explained alongside God's words to me. I'll leave my experience at this church as a "To Be Continued" as I don't want this blog to get too long and I do want to address to any kind of mystery some readers find my situation.
So for those of you who are curious as to why I have left TFBC (Tacoma First Baptist Church) for the time being please read on. For those of you who already know, stay tuned for my next blog :)
To keep things simple and vague for my own sake, I shall copy and paste an email I had sent out to the Friday Night teachers explaining the reason for my leave.
Hello fellow FYN teachers,
I wanted to take a moment and explain a little more in depth the reason for taking time off so as to chastise any misunderstandings or bewilderment of this sudden temporary leave.
I first want to say, I am not tired because of serving. If anything, serving gives me life. There is definitely much to do in His Kingdom and as Satan works 24/7, there will always be a need or some kind of crisis within the body of Christ. That is not to say, though, that God is not at work too as He works beyond time for He waits for us in our tomorrows~ :)
I did not burn myself out or find myself overwhelmed with so much to do. I do realize that I live a pretty busy life and it has been a culprit that has distracted me from KNOWING God's heart for me and from having a consistently proper heart while in ministry, but this is only a tiny factor to the ultimate issue that had lied deep within me; so deep that it truly HAD to be God who would break the shell that held hidden the many complexities and pains/hurts I had.
These issues, I won't go into detail as it will make this email LONG, are things I should have properly dealt with from the day I became aware of God's existence, but unfortunately, the environs of my being (even what was missing) has made me blind or self-righteous in that all my actions, choices, and words seemed somehow justified. The cutting truth is, though, that no matter how much a victim I may be to all the "unfair" forces that has inflicted my heart since childhood, I am a sinner that must come before God completely vulnerable to promulgate ALL my trespasses; even the ones from the past when I did not know that were actual sins.
So I went about life, almost HAD to because of lack of love since childhood, using band-aid after
band-aid
(figuratively speaking..)
to patch up my injuries because I was (in a lot of ways still am) a child. I did not know how to put a cast on something that was broken because I was just a kid, and being able to cast up a broken arm would require a skill I had yet learned.
Not to victimize myself or sound like I am pitying myself, but I did not grow up with adults around me who were solid in God's words who could have patched up my wounds or correct my misunderstandings. So to be able to live on, I used what I knew I could and had: band-aids.
As of late, God had been pulling off the MANY band-aids that had covered an atrocious amount of history of sins (both performed and hurt by others' sins-such as my parents) that has made me into such a broken person today.
Therefore my reason for taking time off is not because I felt tired or burnt out, but because I want to take time in solitude and away from familiar surroundings to take this all head on for God to have His way completely with me and for me to couple with my heavenly bridegroom, my God the Father, to be one and complete. Please keep me in praying during this sanctification process and I will surely be keeping you all and the youth in my prayers as well.
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